Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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