Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
