I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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