All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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