Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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