I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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