A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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