umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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