Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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