I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
