Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
