hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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