I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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