Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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