I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
