smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
