at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
