Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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