can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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