I will die if light touches me.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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