After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You have to summon your inner elephant
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
