my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
