Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
