It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
