hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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