420 ftw
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
