You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
