A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
