I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
