Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
