Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Randomize
