sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
