I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I could fuck to npr.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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