just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My life is pants optional.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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