maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You ate ashes out of my bong
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
