My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
BRING THE BAGELS
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
