plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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