take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Can Purell be used as lube?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
