i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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