FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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