I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
