my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
