I just pynch a tree in the face
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
