you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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