so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
