im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
