Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
