the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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