Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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