it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
