Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.