Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
