Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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