My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I smell like Dick and happiness
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
