Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
