I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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