turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
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